It's incredibly important to give year round, since people don't JUST need help around Christmas. Whether you're an activist, a philanthropist, a volunteer or a worker at a non-profit, you know just how much charities need help all through the year. Christmas, though, is when the majority of letters requesting assistance come in, and it's when many people's minds turn towards being grateful for their privileges.

So you want to give, but what charities to give to is the question? It seems like charities all over are disappointing us with unethical practices- the Salvation Army with its anti-gay stance (even going so far as to threaten to shut down all the soup kitchens they run in NYC if they had to adhere to civil rights laws, thereby fucking over the homeless) and money scandals, Goodwill's money scandals, issues with charities supposedly raising money for breast cancer, Haiti, and environmental groups (I mean, as anyone who's done with with nonprofits knows, if you're making good money at charities, you're probably mismanaging funds). How does a person who's anti corporate greed and pro human rights to navigate the tricky waters of  charity donations?

I was recently accused by someone I know of being a hipster do-gooder on a pedestal because I said I refused to support the Salvation Army and its bigoted policies. "Why punish the people they *do* help?" she asked. "Bigots need shoes and soup kitchens too". Well, yeah, I guess they do, and thank goodness the US has enough bigots to financially support these places so I don't have to. Because personally, if I'm putting money into the hands of people who may or may not every use that money to do more than line their own pockets, and who actively discriminate against people who need their services, I am saying that I think that's ok. And I don't. I tend to do a lot of research before I put money down on something. The Free Speech Coalition, for example, fucked over porn stars during the Porn Wiki controversy by not acting swiftly and not taking it as seriously as they should have, so I'm not supporting them either.

Well, I can't give you a list of all the charities everywhere you should support, but here's a few I quite like. I'll add, too, that I love to find local, small animal charities like Liberty's Owl, Raptor and Reptile Centre or New Moon Farm Goat Rescue and donate to them or sponsor an animal as a gift- it's rewarding to do that on a smaller scale with groups that would die without your help. I do recommend you do your own research- find out how transparent the company is, what their practices are, and who they outreach to (or turn away).

US

Sex Workers Outreach Project: a social justice organization that works to promote sex worker rights through education and advocacy.

Solace SF: group that actively supports sex workers in the Bay Area in many ways, both ones staying in the industry and those moving out of it. Faith based, but not at all pushy.

Electronic Frontier Foundation: deals with issues around tech, free speech and privacy rights, among other things.

Center for Sex and Culture: providing sex education, cultural events and maintaining archives of sexual material- supporters of the Safe/Ward project.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom: supports advancing the rights of people who have alternative relationships (poly, kinky, swingers, etc)-also hosts Kink Aware Professionals.

ADAPT: organizes disability activists fighting for basic freedoms.

United Way of the Bay Area: helping Bay Area people out of poverty and homelessness while also refusing to work with groups that discriminate.

The Ella Baker Center: has awesome programs to help the community revitalize Oakland, trains youth to become community leaders, and has a green jobs campaign.

Ali Forney Center: provides housing for LGBT homeless youth in NYC.

Transgender Law Center: offers legal advice and workshops.

Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders: New England legal rights organization focused on ending LGBT discrimination.

UK


Sex Worker Open University: amazing multifaceted program that covers sex worker voices from all over.

TLC Trust: matches people with disabilities with sex workers comfortable working with them.

Backlash: defending freedom of sexual expression, particularly relating to things now illegal like "extreme pornography" (images of fisting, say)

Albert Kennedy Trust: supports LGBT youth 16-25 who are homeless or living in a hostile environment.

Broken Rainbow UK: supports LGBT people experiencing domestic violence.

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard: information, support and referral service for anyone who needs to consider issues around their sexuality.

North London Cat Protection Agency: the charity I fostered my London kitties from.

Elsewhere


The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence: fabulous group with branches all over the place who do a lot of community service for human rights with a big dose of irreverent humour.

Burners Without Borders: Burning Man folks working to help rebuild communities all over the world.

What are some of your favourite charities? List them below!

I'm not crazy about complicated bondage if I have to strap and buckle and tie- not because putting someone *into* it isn't fun, but I know getting them *out* is going to take forever, and the equipment can be heavy and tedious. Give me the simple things- cuffs and attachments I can throw into a bag and run away for the weekend with. And as a traveling proDomme, I often need bondage stuff I can easily apply to the bleak canvas of a hotel room, as they generally frown on drilling holes into their furniture (though I *did* have a client once who did that...)

Which is why the Door Jam Cuffs from Good Vibrations are right up my street- they don't take up much space, they're easy to use, and they're quick to remove when you're done with them. Ideal for impatient Dommes like me!

So the way door jam cuffs work is as follows- they have a plastic dowel type thing on one side, attached to a strap, on which is attached a cuff. The dowel goes on one side of the door and the cuffs swing to the other side, so when you shut the door they stay in place. Easy peasy, and doesn't do any damage to the door!

These ones have 10" cuffs that velcro together surprisingly sturdily, allowing you to bind your lover with their arms above their head or with their wrists/ankles bound to the gap below the door. I have small wrists, and these fit me snugly an comfortably-The straps are 8" long, so plenty of room to struggle. ;)

While these lend themselves to various types of play (cutting someone's clothes off, for example, or flogging a willing back and bum, or possibly some sort of splosh silliness) I've been thinking this would be fun for discipline purposes. I think maybe the next time the boy is disobedient I can have him kneel, head and arms down, attached to the door until I come and free him, giving him some corner time to think about what he's done. ::grin::

I also think this would be really sexy for a hostage scene- keeping someone bound, back against the door (against their method of escape, which is particularly cruel I think) while I run a knife along their skin... mm. Sounds like the beginning of a good night to me!

Because these are velcro and fleece, they're suitable for vegan kinksters, too, which is always good!

Thanks Good Vibrations for sending me the Door Jam Cuffs in exchange for an honest review!

Remote controlled toys can be fun, as I learned with my first one- a vibrator that went off every time a mobile phone around me got a message or a call, which I got as a present for a birthday before going to Asia SF. That was a good time! And I got to try the LELO Lyla recently as well.

One of the things I struggle with, though, is keeping the toy where I want it. Which is where panties made to keep the vibrator right over your clit can come in handy! The Remote Pleasure Panty Brief from Good Vibrations looked cute, so I decided to give them a try.

First, I think that these panties are really best for people who are up to a 14-16 dress size. Larger women *can* wear it (it technically goes up to a 52" hip) but I felt like it was going to fall off- cute for in the bedroom or maybe at a play party, but not workable for out of the house! Since the lace bits are one size fits most, you can imagine they'll be a bit more scandalous on someone like me.

These might, however, be fun for someone at a play party (ok, I think the Shortbus idea of buzzing your partner to check in is cute- just don't give the remote away!). My other thought was that this might be really fun for someone with a disability that makes movement and manipulation of a toy difficult, as it will stay where the panties place it and the remote has just one, really easy push button.  The remote works up to 75 feet away!

The vibrator part is contoured to fit along your body comfortably, and it succeeds in that. The vibration is milder than I like- a little more on the buzzy side than on the deeper side I prefer, but if you enjoy bullet vibrators or the clitoral bit on a rabbit this is probably just right for you. The panties themselves are really subtle, but you may wanna find a safe place for the vibe and the remote away from prying eyes!

You can machine wash the nylon and spandex lace panties and clean the plastic of the toy with a toy wipe- be careful as this isn't waterproof. Then you're ready to go again! When you receive the toy, a 23AE 12V battery is included for the remote, but you'll need to provide your own two AAA batteries.

All in all, this is a cute toy, and might be awesome for other people, but for me it just didn't quite work out well. But I do think that a girl who enjoys a lighter vibration and has a smaller dress size would love these.

Thanks Good Vibrations for sending me the Remote Pleasure Panty Brief in exchange for an honest review!

I was reading a thread on that wonderful land of "WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE" (known in some circles as Fetlife) when I came across a thread about a woman who was going on dates with men with the intention of having dinner and nothing more:

McGonagall started eating out five nights a week using a rotation of different guys she met through the dating site. McGonagall kept things simple—no more than five dates with the same guy.

The investment banker types were thrilled to woo her with extraordinary restaurants like the underground taqueria La Esquina and a Japanese restaurant, Megu, in Tribeca. One guy even took her to a champagne bar and purchased a $200 bottle.

McGonagall went from easily spending $500 a month on dinners alone to having someone else dole out an average of $60-plus per night. She also stopped eating lunch and opted for a light breakfast to save even more.  
-From Business Insider

First off, "the site" is Match.com, which in my experience is basically a place for men to harass women for sexual favours anyway. So, not really sympathetic. Secondly, if these guys are trying to show off with extremely fancy dinners to a person they just met, that they hadn't spoken to EVER offline, then... well, why would you do that without an ulterior motive of your own?

That said, there is the fact that this behaviour tends to follow the trend of "sex is something women have/withhold and men want/pay for", which is problematic in terms of sexual power dynamics. It *could* kind of be empowering for women, but it's disempowering for men (they do not have the sex, you see) and only within the constraints that then leads to men feeling that if they want to change the dynamic of sexual power they should just *take* it. I think we can all agree that's not great.

And it's not particularly ethical, because you are suggesting that there's a real relationship possibility, and that's not nice. Especially when you can do social escorting and basically provide the same service with the terms upfront. I did social escorting and it was £50 for an hour, plus whatever drinks and food we got. It was often a first step to booking an escort. It worked out quite well, in fact, and I often got a nice meal plus £50-100!

But then I struggle a lot with these things. I mean, with sex work, you're often pretending you care about what the person says, that you're not particularly opinionated or political, you laugh at their jokes, you flirt with them even if you're not interested. At least I hear that's what people do- I tend to be a less potty-mouthed version of me, but if you say something sexist I'm gonna tell you.

HOWEVER. A lot of dudes were saying how this woman was basically a prostitute and a thief. And I'm gonna tell you right now- no, no, uh uh, no. That's a fair (I would say lower than average) market value price for exactly what she was doing- a social booking. She was making about $50-60 a dinner, which I would say is pretty low. If you consider the market, it would take 3-4 such dates to = sleeping with someone for an hour (again, at the lower end of these rates) in terms of money spent. These guys were actually getting a damn good deal, as far as I can figure it. Was she being dishonest? Yeah, probably. I've been on plenty of dates where they guy was buying me dinner so he could fuck me, though, not cause he wanted a relationship, so cry me a river. ;)

Also it bears pointing out that in a capitalist society we're all encouraged to try to get as much out of someone while providing as little as possible, and she was likely making a much lower salary than men at equivalent positions, so there we go.

The response in the "Ask a Man" forum of course was "all women are obviously money grabbing whores and not to be trusted!" My response is that frankly so many men with money I've met treat me and other women like that anyway that I might as well get a damn good meal out of it. If you're worried, then spend $10 on the meal- you can get a nice meal for $10-15 and you won't feel nearly as resentful. If they're doing it for the food they'll still be happy!

A bunch of guys on the forum said "this is why I don't take women out to dinner/take them to free places", which, ok, fine, fair enough. In my experience, guys who do stuff like that are often suspicious, misogynistic assholes trying to get into bed with me in exchange for a walk in the park. Maybe this is part of why I just got fed up for the most part with dating guys unless I made more money than them (I've played the sugar momma before, when I was making a bunch of income with sex work, and I liked it)- they turned into insufferable asshats.

Except then there were a couple of guys who took it a step further:

"In the place where I grew up, we had street justice. If a guy did a one night stand on your sister, he got his ass beat down. I say if this girl played me like that, a few of my female friends would beat her ass for it."

and

"That woman should be brought to the street and made as ugly on the outside as she is on the inside!"

Yay, slutshaming, whorephobia and threats of violence! Stay classy, Fetlife. Not that I expected any better from you, really.

Talking about all this made me feel suddenly guilty, though. My girlfriend tends to take me to pretty amazing dinners (yesterday we went to Plum, mouthgasm!) and she always pays when we go out. At first I tried to pay, and she wouldn't let me, so I stopped offering (though I look forward to cooking for her soon, as it's a way I can give back something!). I asked her if that was ok, because obviously I don't want her to feel used, and her response was simply "I have more disposable income- if a wealthy client dies and leaves you a fortune, you can treat me".

When I first met my boyfriend, almost two years ago, he was unemployed, and I paid for things a lot more often because I made the money. He also tended to do stuff around the house as a way of helping me have the energy to do sex work regularly. Now he's got a job and I'm unemployed, and when we last saw each other he paid for more things (not everything, but more things). We've adjusted it as circumstances change. I don't see anything wrong with that.

And I realized that I tend to work that way- the person who makes more money pays proportionally more. I think that makes sense. Ultimately, I feel like that's what this woman was doing with these bankers- I bet they made a hell of a lot more than she did, so why shouldn't they pay?

How do you negotiate who pays for dinner?

Mmm. I smell like a delicious dessert, thanks to giving the Mango Vanilla massage candle a go this afternoon. Babeland sent me one a few days ago and today was my day to try it out. And how lovely it is!

There's a few different versions of massage candles- candles that allow you to engage in a little hot wax play, but with the wax being more like a massage oil when melted. Some candles do it beautifully- others leave a thin crust of wax over the body when it solidifies again, which then gets all over the sheets. Not the best.

This candle was of the lovely variety. The scent is more vanilla than fruity, but it's not sickly sweet, either, something that's important to me as certain smells make my nose tickle up.

It comes in a cardboard box that's got stylish patterns on it- nothing risque, except that it says it's a massage candle. I opened it up, wondering where I had put my lighter, to discover BABELAND BRANDED MATCHES inside! That was a great touch, I really liked it! You then slide the candle in its sexy glass holder out from the cardboard (I saved the cardboard for storage).

I lit the candle and gave it a couple of minutes to melt. The soy wax used for these candles melts at a very low temperature, making it a warm, pleasant experience. These ones are made with shea butter for added skin benefits. They come in fragrances like Rice Flower, Pashmina and Citron Fig, along with the Mango Vanilla, and they come in two sizes, 1oz and 3oz. The small candles burn for about 3 hours, and the 3oz burn for 21 hours. That's a lot of massage power!

I personally like leaving it lit while I pour, but you don't have to. The wax was nicely warm, but not hot, even at that close range, so I would suggest this as a possible way to explore kink with a partner who isn't sure about it yet. A little light bondage, a warm sensual massage... sounds like a good night to me! I found the glass container to be easy to manage, a good shape for pouring, and certainly discreet. Don't leave this out with your decorative candles or it'll be all used up over the holidays accidentally! And don't pour too much at one go- a little massage oil goes a loooong way.

I need to take my hat off in mourning- the next issue of Filament Magazine, a fabulous example of photos of men made by and marketed to women, will be its last- not due to any lack of demand (there’s more than ever!) but for personal reasons:

I am announcing that Issue 9, the next issue of Filament, due out 1 December 2011, will be the last. My reasons are entirely personal. Perhaps this is also the right time, because we are finishing on a high.
To answer some questions you may have:
I’m a subscriber. Will I receive my money back for the issues I haven’t received?
Yes. However, this is labour-intensive for us, with over 1000 subscriptions to individually refund. We aim to complete this process by 30 June 2012. If you don’t want to be refunded, please email hello@filamentmagazine.com and let us know.
Will Filament continue as a website?
Not as such, but we plan to try and put most of our past content up on www.filamentmagazine.com and will add articles as exciting and relevant topics come up, so please keep following our feeds. We will also continue to sell issues through the website until they run out. Our stockists will also be getting in Issue 9 as normal, and will continue to sell Filament until they run out.
Couldn’t someone else take over as editor of Filament?
It’s doubtful, for various reasons that I can’t go into.
Perhaps a company would want to buy the magazine?
We have had offers, but always from those who seek to turn Filament into something that doesn’t seem consistent with the reasons you have told us that you like Filament.
I know that Filament means a lot to many of you. At various events I’ve had readers approach me to thank me, with tears in their eyes. This makes me feel proud, but also incredibly sorry that I can’t continue this for you.

So first? Buy up issues of Filament!

And secondly, I’m thinking it might mean that next year is the year to take my side project Andro Aperture to the next level and try to pull together something more concrete. Because I will mourn its passing- Filament inspired the hell out of me and helped me solidify my belief that women DID want to look at images of men made for their consumption, of different body types, ethnicities, and cultures.

It's thanks to Filament that I met the boy at that one femdom party almost two years ago. And thanks to filament, I met Suraya, the editor, too, and she's become a good friend and a muse of sorts. I've met other lovely people, gotten to write thought provoking articles, and had a lot of laughs. I'm grateful to it for existing, and to Suraya for making such an amazing magazine.

I’ll miss Filament. But I wish Suraya and the crew the best in their future endeavors!

I have been waking up in my bed alone for what feels like forever. In reality, it's been 6 months, with a short 2 week respite in the end, and it'll be another 2 months before I get another break.

As someone who slept with her partner almost every night before that for over a year, with occasional breaks alone, I find it hard sometimes. I miss waking up and seeing the boy's often still-sleepy face next to mine. I miss not wanting to get out of bed because that would mean the warm snuggling would be postponed. I miss nuzzling my face up against his chest and feeling his arms around me.

It's hard to know you're not alone, but to miss out on those little visceral pleasures. I'm addicted to spooning, but I do without more often than I get to indulge. And the first few days apart, I struggle to sleep by myself... but slowly, I get used to it again... something I don't even want to get used to.

Art by Dominic Wilcox

They tell you that you don't need anyone... and I don't, not really. But they ignore how you'll suddenly smell your lover on a breeze, and suddenly your heart feels like it's exploded with wistfulness. They ignore that craving you get to be touched with no expectations except reassurance. They forget that you might not need, but want so desperately that they feel the same. It's like a heart cramp that subsides, sometimes, but never quite leaves you.

But I'm strong. I've done long distance before. And while we're not out of the hole yet, there's a light at the end of this tunnel. So I'll hold my fennic fox close- and dream that it's holding me, too.

I've just come across the toys over at Va Va Voom, thanks to a giveaway that they're doing. These look really sleek and pretty, and I'm a sucker for nice design. If you enter, you get to decide which vibrator you want, which is always cool- allows you to get one that works for you! I'm hoping for the one shown here, the Elegance. I think it looks super space-age-y.

There's also a pretty g-spot vibe, a mini vibe, and one that looks nicely contoured (possibly making it easier for people with disabilities to hold it in place!)

Entering is available to people 18+ in the US, and you have til November 30th, midnight EST, to enter. Go check it out!

I love Christmas.

I'm a sucker for all of it- the sparkly ornaments, the candy canes, mince pies and pine needles (and the mince pies with pine sugar on top, omg!). I'm even one of those demon children who enjoys Christmas music, from old traditional carols to holiday mashups, from "Homo Christmas" to mopey covers of "The Christmas Song".

Every year I get so excited for the holidays. I want to start baking Julekaga and danish strips, have the smell of sugar and butter all over the house. I listen to holiday music over and over, watch all the awful Hallmark Christmas movies, watch the classic Christmas  movies ("It's a Wonderful Life" is a favourite, as is "A Christmas Story") and put evergreen and tinsel everywhere.

Then there's the events! There's Santacon to go to every year, where we all dress up as Santa, with the occasional elves and reindeer, and have a rampage through the city. There's the Christmas Revels, a nicely pagan celebration of the holidays that's been a family tradition my whole life. There's Dickens Fair, which makes me giggle having been in London and knowing a lot about Victoriana- there's not nearly enough cholera in the streets! There's feasts with friends, White Elephant exchanges, and anonymous holiday wishes given and received.

And, on the more somber side, there's December 17th, the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, where I'll be stage managing for a stage filled with some rockin' performances this year. I keep busy over the holidays with a mix of fun and politics.

I'm also a total sucker for holiday novelties, including and especially sex toys. Christmas lingerie (esp that naughty toy soldier)? Check. Butt plugs with red and clear candy cane striping? Yes. Hell, candy cane shaped dildo? Oh yes. Santa cuffs and snowman crops? Yep and yep. Holiday scented/flavoured massage oils? Gimme. And a Baby Jesus butt plug watched over by Mary? Merry Christmas! I love them all, and am genuinely sad when the holidays are over and I have to put it all away til next year.

Every year, too, for the past three years, I've done a holiday themed photo shoot. The first year was just red and white polka dotted lingerie, with a little tinsel cock bondage, playing with mistletoe, and pinup images. The second I did a much sleeker reindeer shoot, and the third year I did some fun photos turning the boy into a Xmas tree thanks to some needles! I love the images I've gotten the last two years, and I'm glad that my favourite photographer is coming back for another go.

So I'm pondering what to do this year- snowflake?

Sugar plum fairy?

Santa?

Splosh with holiday foods?

Something not beginning with S?

Votes requested- comment below!

So I will be giving a Skype interview about sex and disability at this special edition of Mutiny- if you're in the UK, you'll want to check this out, because it's going to be epic. EPIC. And it's cheap! I love critical sexology, it kept my brain alert and happy and the people from there and Mutiny both are smart and sexy. Check it out!

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Mutiny and Critical Sexology are bringing activists, practitioners, academics and artists together to put sex on trial on 8th December.
The afternoon’s Critical Sexology seminar will have a Mutiny twist with speed debating and discussions on sex education and consent around a central table.

The evening event will bring Critical sexology topics and academic perspectives on activism into an evening of discussion, art, performance and music on the subject of sex.

The afternoon’s event will kick off with speed debating, giving seminar participants an opportunity to get to know each other and discuss the issues of the day.

We’ll move on to our first discussion session at 3.30pm – hearing from speakers from the Sex Workers Open University and researcher Ester McGeeny on different perspectives on sex education.

Our second critical sexology session at 4.30pm at will focus on consent – what does consent mean? What could consent look like? How could we approach sexual violence, ethics and consent in different ways? The session will include a video and talk from artist Alex Brew and a performance from Deborah Grayson.

We’ll be providing free food from 5.30pm, after which the evening event will kick off with another round of speed debating, followed by three sessions:

7pm Sex police
We’ll have poetry from Jo Johnson, exclusive video interviews with Sarah Mclleland and Kitty Stryker, and Cari Mitchell from the English Collective of Prostitutes. We’ll be discussing who gets to decide what counts as ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ sex? How is it regulated? What happens if you don’t fit within these boundaries?

8pm Workshop – activist listening
The topic of sex is often a site of conflict in activist and academic circles – Meg Barker and Jamie Heckert will introduce a workshop on how we can create spaces and ways of engaging with each other that listen and respect differences, and work together for change.

9pm Sexual revolution
In our final session we’ll hear from artist and activist Nor, and journalist Xanthe Whittaker to discuss what sex could look like in our ideal society and whether sexual pleasure can have a political role.

The evening will end with live music and our resident Mutiny DJ Riotstar

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Entry to the afternoon seminar is free.

Tickets for the evening event are £5 buy-one-get-one-free in advance online at jointhemutiny.org or £5/3 on the door.

If you attend the afternoon seminar event you will be entitled to concession price entry to the evening event (£3).