November 20th is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day that was started twelve years ago to honor the memory of Rita Hester, a Black trans woman who was stabbed to death in Massachusetts. Tonight there will be an event in the East Bay and on Sunday there's one in San Francisco- you can look up other local events here.

It's important to remember how physical, emotional, and systematic violence impacts the trans community. Many trans and other non-gender-conforming people live in fear- fear of being discovered, fear of being attacked for not passing, fear of being alone. There's plenty of examples- the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival's trans woman hit list this year (and wordpress's unwillingness to do anything about it) was one such horrific example, where women's personal information and their photos were posted as a way of outing them.  The San Diego Gay and Lesbian News underlined that point:

The New York Anti-Violence Project reported that Camila Guzman was found murdered in an apartment on East 100th Street in Harlem on Aug. 1, 2011.

Just last week, San Diego Gay & Lesbian News shared the news that a burned torso found in Detroit was identified as a transgender teen, Michelle Hilliard, who had gone missing weeks earlier.

The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs released a report in 2010 that found that transgender women are disproportionately impacted by murder, accounting for 44% of gay and transgender murder victims that year.

Another study by the National Black Justice Coalition found that black transgender and gender non-conforming people face some of the highest levels of discrimination of all transgender people, saying that members of this group had an extremely high unemployment rate at 26%; 41% said they experienced homelessness at some point in their lives; 34% reported a household income of less than $10,000 per year; and were affected by HIV in devastating numbers.

"From education to employment and housing discrimination, from police brutality to health care disparities, black transgender people are suffering at extremely high rates due to bigotry and transphobia," said Sharon Lettman-Hicks, National Black Justice Coalition executive director.

Further, as the gay and lesbian community celebrates the repeal of the military’s DADT policy, many have overlooked the fact that transgender people are still barred from serving openly.

The military classifies a diagnosis of “gender identity disorder” as grounds for medical and mental health dismissal.

"[The repeal of DADT] is a non-event for the trans community," said June LaTrobe, a U.S. Air Force veteran to the Windy City Times. "[The repeal] is great. It's wonderful … but there is no direct benefit to individuals who are comfortable identifying as transgender."

I will be at the Oakland event tonight in honour of the many transwomen killed who are sex workers. Both are often relegated to the outskirts of society, and both often end up dead, in part, because they're seen as worth less than other women, other people. BaySWANN has a good piece about the challenges trans sex workers face, and there was an article in the Guardian talking about how, "with all the issues trans people face in the workplace, it's no wonder some of them turn to sex work". It's infuriating that when issues about how queer and trans sex workers are targeted by cops and serial killers alike come up, there is often a silencing that happens, even by other sex workers.

Please make some time and space to learn more about the experience of transgendered people, and how you can help in the struggle to end violence against them.

So a while back I had an experiment in butchness.

Not just silly male drag, like you see in this image of me as a gym teacher (working out some past issues with a misogynistic asshole from gym class years ago), but Sexy Butchness, something I always felt fascinated by, drawn to, and completely separate from. I mean, my hourglass body does not scream masculine. Butch and/or male drag is just something I've never thought was possible for me.

Planning this costume was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because it insisted I think about clothes in a totally different way- not accentuating my flesh, but hiding it- not trying to look sexy, but trying to look convincing, and realizing that sexy and convincing did not go together if I was to channel the Gym Teacher archetype. I had to think about how I walked, how I took up space. I had to watch my facial expressions and mannerisms. Male drag was a fascinating exploration into my outsider's visualization of the extremities of male experience. And as it pertains to a performance of alpha maleness, yeah, that I can do. Dressing it has complications, but I can rough it at this point and get the effect I want, and I dress up a lot anyway.

But butchness is still a tantalizing fruit out of my reach. I think maybe I am so entrenched in femme that it's like trying to relearn how to hold things, something you take for granted until you have to retrain yourself. I mean, femme is, in my experience, something I learned how to be, but I was already meandering down that path so it was easy to take a consciousness detour and keep going.

I am deeply attracted to gentlemanly butch codes of behavior, even more so because I know how complex traversing those codes, trying to maintain some kind of chivalry without being patronizing, can be. "Butch is a Noun" by S Bear Bergman has many of my favourite writings on the subject, and of course the Sugarbutch Chronicles has many excellent musings by a butch who adores femmes that makes me gooey in the knees, like this poem to new butches that makes me frantic and longing and horny, unsure if I want to be with a butch or be one myself.

But of course, being femme, you don't always get Seen. Not by butches, not by femmes, not by other queers, as Sinclair from Sugarbutch reminds butches:

Learn to recognize femmes, even if you don’t date them. They recognize you. When a girl on the subway gives you The Eyes, she’s a femme. When the only straight girl in the dyke bar says she likes your tie, she’s a femme. When your waitress jumps in on your conversation with your buddies to ask “so what’s a good drag king troupe?”, she’s a femme.

And in a way, I wish there was more of a scene for butch/femme anymore. I wish I could get some queer femme training from an older, savvy femme, or learn how to care for a butch from one who's been around the block. That doesn't seem to happen anymore. But then, I'm also weirdly and romantically nolstagic for the Victorian households and, in a different way, the Old Guard,  so I imagine I'm generally interested in structure and Ways of Doing Things Correctly.

Not that one has to cater to a gender dichotomy in relationships, of course- the fact that butch/butch and femme/femme relationships, never mind genderqueerness and androgyny, have become more accepted in queer circles is a good thing. Hell, I'm dating a queer dandy of a boy and a gorgeous femme (who used to be butch, actually) so there we go. These things are complicated, and the heart wants what the heart wants.

But I found myself reading "Stone Butch Blues" and my heart ached, so much. Somewhere in me there is a femme who longs for butch attention. Though I wonder, sometimes, if it is in fact butch attention that I want, or the attentiveness and caregiving. I mean, I love service submission (that is my major kink) and I love other types of being cared for, so I wonder if it's that, to me, it seems like butches have articulated best how to care for a femme without making her feel smothered or like she's being needy. It's that anticipation of needs thing that I find so hot and that seems to be woven into classic butchness.

I think deep down I have an intense need to feel taken care of. I overextend a lot with projects and trying to help people out and edit thing and promote that and it's just intensely nice to be able to stop for a bit to be massaged and fed and petted. And I think that there's been things I've read about butches that just makes me go "OMG yes yes exactly like that"- I mean, service submission is often sexualized and made into another erotic performance, though at its core it can be more subtle and less... I don't know, sexy, I guess, than that.

This musing was all brought about by this video that popped up over on Coffee Cake and Kink, so watch and muse.

As I'm a Bay Area based girl with a lot of ties/readers/tied up readers in the UK, I thought it might be a good idea to start letting some guests post about UK events/workshops that are of interest! This is a review by Penelope Star of a workshop she attended. It was offered by Bristol-based Pomegranate Boutique, a lovely women-focused, environmentally aware sex toy store I recommend for it's excellent, classy taste. I mean, look at harnesses like this! LOVE. 


Anyway! 

Wanking – are there really all that many ways to do it? Hope I don’t sound too big-headed, but I went along to the Art of Sensual Touch workshop at Bristol’s Pomegranate Erotic Boutique thinking I might pick up only one or two “extras” to add to my tried and tested technique. Boy how wrong I was. This workshop has revolutionised the way I wank.

Just to be clear, we are talking about attention to the male parts, ie touching and massaging the penis and surrounding areas. The workshop was women-only, although most workshops at Pomegranate are mixed-gender.

As a woman who wanks off men, or nowadays, a man, I had obviously never had the benefit of having my own penis, testicles and surrounding area to really understand how it felt. Teacher Missy Bijou has spent many hours watching men and imitating the methods they use themselves, and combines this knowledge
with tantric ‘lingam massage’ to create an easy-to-learn but really explosive set of techniques.

Missy Bijou referred to wanker’s claw – I’m sure many of us have been there. The wrist can get sore. It can get boring. With Missy’s technique, this does not happen. Trying it out on my man, I have had to go very, very slow and very, very carefully or it’s all over way too quickly, if you know what I mean! This means that the whole experience becomes something you can savour and totally enjoy, and the connection with your partner is epic. It never goes near to being a race to the finish line, or an endurance exercise.

Along with the manual stimulation technique (which we practiced on cucumbers), the evening also involved some great oral and general massage advice. The setting (glamorous boutique) and free-flowing glasses of champagne meant that the evening had the ideal balance between being a fun ladies’ evening and a nuts-and-bolts, highly-practical sex education class.

Most of us have probably not been to sex education class since school, and then it was just about the basic biology of the act. As adults, we tend to muddle through, learning by trial and error, but often feeling frustrated about our own sexual responses and our abilities to please our partner. Classes like those at
Pomegranate are sex education for adults – a safe and relaxed space to learn a few quite easy practical things that can transform the way we experience sex.

There’s a class on “Sexual Intuition” November 30th, along with another “Art of Sensual Touch” class on December 8th. If you're in the Bristol area, seriously consider checking them out!

Did you really, though?

There's been a protest going on outside the Village Voice by a bunch of people who are Very Upset that Backpage is forcibly whoring out children to old men. They have a site called Village Voice Pimps to promote their agenda. And you know what? If Backpage was in fact pimping out kids to creepy dudes, yeah, I'd agree with them.

But the problem is, in order to play the "think of the children" card, you depend on at least two things- one, that there are, in fact, children to save and two, that those children lack agency.

And that doesn't appear to be as true as these protesters would like to believe. See "Lost Boys", for example, in which a study is conducted to report on child prostitution in New York. For starters, there are almost equal numbers of boys and girls interviewed as hustling. Most of them struck their deals on the street, not via a website like craigslist or Backpage. And 90% of them were working independently... not via a pimp.

Not exactly the poor unfortunate souls the pink umbrella brigade had in mind, perhaps? Because they don't seem to be noticing that research. Which is unfortunate, as the research suggests that they're not particularly effective, as "Lost Boys" says:

Through interviews and analysis of public records, Village Voice Media has found that the federal government spends about $20 million a year on public awareness, victims' services, and police work related to domestic human trafficking, with a considerable focus on combating the pimping of children. An additional $50 million-plus is spent annually on youth homeless shelters, and since 1996, taxpayers have contributed a total of $186 million to fund a separate program that provides street outreach to kids who might be at risk of commercial sexual exploitation.
That's at least $80 million doled out annually for law enforcement and social services that combine to rescue approximately 200 child prostitutes a year.

And what is Backpage's involvement in all this anyway? Are they in fact assisting in trafficking? Was craiglist? Well, to answer that you should really read up on some of the facts about trafficking (which, pet peeve of mine, always seems to mean sex trafficking- why?!?)... and stop giving so much credence to the panic. And the crap statistics. Backpage (like craigslist) is and was used by sex workers like me- people who didn't want to invest heavily in advertising on places like Erosguide, sex workers who had moved to a new place, sex workers who were independent and wanted to advertise somewhere that would guarantee some bookings. It was also a place to browse or advertise other adult things- most of my first year's worth of fetish modeling gigs were from craigslist, for example. It was not a place where I sold my body or my soul, thankyouverymuch.

Craigslist and Backpage are both places where you will see a huge diversity in people advertising. People of color. Older women. Straight men offering handjobs to other men. Fat women. Hell, I've seen ads where men are offering themselves up to give cunnilingus for "hours". Unlike Erosguide, whose expensive ads require a certain amount of certainty that you'll book enough work to make it worthwhile, Backpage and Craigslist were free to advertise on, making it accessible.

But if it's accessible, then it's also enabling sex trafficking and child prostitution, right? Well, this article explains the issue with that logic pretty well...

Faulty logic suggests that if Craigslist is effectively a digital pimp who's profiting off of online traffic, why shouldn't it be prosecuted as such?
The problem with this logic is that it fails to account for three important differences: 1) most ISPs have a fundamental business -- if not moral -- interest in helping protect people; 2) the visibility of illicit activities online makes it much easier to get at, and help, those who are being victimized; and 3) a one-stop-shop is more helpful for law enforcement than for criminals. In short, Craigslist is not a pimp, but a public perch from which law enforcement can watch without being seen.

Which is why, if you want to protect women and children, the thing to do is to stop giving the police permission to mistreat us, making us fear going to them and thus encouraging us to make ourselves invisible.

So Village Voice protesters? Go take your pink umbrellas to the cops, and yell at them for enabling pimps, ok? That's a little more accurate. Maybe you'll get somewhere with them... thanks to anti-prostitution efforts, sex workers aren't allowed to have a voice about their own bodies, choices and lives.

Funny that.

So every holiday I participate in a group called Holiday Wishes, where people grant other people's wishes, from small to pipe dreams. And I thought- why not do this with my local community? Maybe it's crazy but like that ever stopped me ;)

So I'd like to hear from people up to 5 wishes they have for the holidays, whether that be that people support a charity, help them with a project, resource sharing or something else! I know a lot of us struggle over the holidays- maybe you need help with crafting presents, some new vegan recipes, or you want a little emotional boost via holiday cards. I want to help! Maybe you do too?

I think a lot of us, especially activist types, tend to feel guilty for asking for some help from other people. I want to help break that down a little so that we can start supporting each other.

I've got one thread on facebook, and I'm starting one here for non-FB folks. I'd like to keep it all in one thread so people can scan it and grant the wishes they feel moved to. And spread the love! Retweet, reblog, send people over here. Who knows what might happen?

I was poking around in the blogs over at the Good Men Project when I found an article entitled "My Father Made Me Want to Cheat on My Husband". I read it, curious how her father's behaviour affected her relationship with her husband... and was kind of confused at the result.

It seems like the anonymous author felt that because her father cheated on her mother, this indicated some potentially biological imperative that "made" her fall in love with someone outside of her relationship. She felt that somehow she had morphed into her father's "other woman" and that's why she suddenly felt a tug outside her relationship.

Honestly, that sounds like bullshit.

Monogamy is hard. Relationships in general are hard, and often somewhat boring. People often want to stray outside of their couple, often not because there's something wrong with the person they're with, but because there's something right about their new interest. I don't think I believe in a "cheating gene" like the author mentions in her piece- I think there's a modeling or lack of modeling of various negotiation, communication and relationship skills, but ultimately, as an adult it's your responsibility to develop healthy habits of your own.

When my partner cheated on me, at first he said it was because we had been fighting and I had been yelling at him so he felt terrible about himself. He said he did it for his ego, to feel better. I didn't really write about it in my blog, because I felt so numb about it. It was bad that he acted out in that way. And it was bad that he lied to me. But what was really awful was that he blamed me, he said that I *made* him do it. Because then I second guessed myself, I wondered if we could survive a relationship in which, when he felt bad, cheating on me was a better option than talking to me. It still worries me somewhat.

We've talked about it a lot and I feel better, that he has an understanding of what that would mean and why that's not ok, but it surprised me that I asked myself if I had forced him somehow into someone else's bed. And that's particularly unfair. I'm still nervous that if I say something he doesn't want to hear he might decide to feel better by sleeping with someone. It'll take a while to break down those defenses. His responsibility was in his actions- my responsibility now is to let go of my fears and let him show me he can be trusted again.

Sorry, anonymous, but to me it sounds like your husband respects you a great deal, and you didn't know how to tell him when you developed feelings for someone else... so you kept it quiet, and let it develop until it was too much to share without potentially wrecking your relationship. How'd that work out for you?

Self awareness is all very well and good, but... it's not your dad's fault. It's not really a fault thing at all. It's a learning experience, but it can only be that if you take responsibility for walking your own path.

I'm really happy to let you all know that I won TWO awards in the People's Choice Awards for Real Sex Toy Reviews-

The Affinity For Jocosity Award is given to Kitty Stryker! The award for a reviewer with the trait of merry joking. Fun reviews, characterized by humor that leaves you with a smile on your face.

The Sex Positive Award for 2011 is given to Kitty Stryker!
For the reviewer who educates, shares knowledge and acts as an advocate for healthy sexuality and freedom of lifestyle choices

AND in case that wasn't enough I'm also #66 on the Between My Sheets list of Best Sex Bloggers for 2011!

Thank you for voting for me, it means a lot to me!

I'd like to also say that I'm always interested in guest posts on here or on other blogs, link exchanges and other things that're mutually beneficial for traffic with other bloggers I enjoy reading, so please, if that's something you're interested in, comment or email me.

Wow. Just... wow.

My boy sent me a link to a preview of this fascinating comic called "Our Love is Real", described by Comics Alliance as touring "post-human sexuality in a dystopian future". Writer Sam Humphries and illustrator Steven Sanders have a sneak preview of the comic for you to check out, and it's GORGEOUS! It came out over the summer but has been snapped up quickly every time. I can see why!

It's not pornographic, but it is perverse, as it's set in a time where people are fighting for and asserting their right to have sex with plants, robots, animals, and crystals. Our current taboos have been pushed aside, and human-to-human sex is seen as ridiculous and laughable in this dystopia. Gender still seems to have some meaning, but not nearly the hold it has on us now. It's an interesting thought-experiment, explorative without being moralistic or political. I really enjoyed it!

The website introduces this comic with:

FIVE YEARS AFTER THE AIDS VACCINE... Plantsexuals riot in the streets for equal rights. Humans fall in love with dogs. And crystals are more than just jewelry. A chance encounter on the job changes a riot cop's life forever as he finds himself caught in a bizarre love triangle that blurs romance, crime, and lust beyond recognition.

One review over at Bleeding Cool described it as feeling "in many ways like early Transmetropolitan, a younger Warren Ellis married with the outrageous instincts of Garth Ennis on Preacher, all covered by a Frank Quitely-style approach to artwork."

Curious? Well, you're in luck-after the third printing, Our Love Is Real got picked up for wide release by Image Comics and is now available in all comic book stores. Definitely worth a read, and the artwork is beautiful. It kept me guessing, and I had a bit of a squee about the ending. I was surprised in a way at how these taboos being broken were shown without any judgment behind them, just acceptance that this is how the world works in this 'verse. Nifty.

I was lucky enough to get to ask the author a few questions:

-What made you want to do a comic on this subject? What inspired you?

A website called dolphinsex.org, long since removed from the internet, where a guy chronicled his love affair with a dolphin. It was mind blowing because he insisted it was a mutual, consensual romantic relationship.

-Was it a conscious decision to not make this sexually-themed comic pornographic? Why?

I didn't really make it a conscious decision about it. I guess with everything else going on in the book, the potential pornographic elements weren't nearly as interesting to me. The core issues of love, lust, and identity were what I wanted to get into. That said, should there ever be OUR LOVE IS REAL, PART 2, I make no promises about pornographic elements.

-Far from being a peaceful place, it seems that you foresee the minimizing of taboos to lead to more judgment and violence. Do you feel we as a species will ever be able to live and let live?

I believe it was Marshal McLuhan who said that violence is a search for identity. I think whenever there is chaos in our perception of identity, as individuals, as a culture, as a species, there will always be upheaval -- and sometimes, unfortunately, that takes the form of violence.

-Is there a political message to be taken from this piece?

I would have to impose my own political feelings on readers of the book. That said, I think it's much less about matters of politics and much more about matters of the heart.

-A few people seem to have gotten the impression that this was a conservative propaganda, following the idea that if homosexuality became acceptable then people would start being zoophiles, etc. What do you have to say to them?

Again, I'd hate to impose authorial intent. That said, once you read it I think it's pretty clear that the book is about love and acceptance, and not about using love to drive wedges between each other. 

-Finally- what would be your perverse taboo in this brave new world?

I have too many houseplants not to say vegisexual.

Thanks to Sam Humphries for letting me chat him up and sending me a PDF to enjoy!

So with all the various things going on around abuse, survivors and giving people a voice, I wanted to give a shout out to Bawdy Storytelling and Stories 2 Stop Rape as they present Nancy Donoval and her one-woman show "The Road to Shameless". It will be performed for one night only at the Center for Sex and Culture this Tuesday!

Whether survivor, friend or family many of us struggle with how to talk openly about sexual violence. The issue can become even thornier when survivor and assailant know each other. Nancy Donoval was a 19-year-old freshmen theater major when she went out for a night of fun and drinking and was sexually assaulted by a friend. She knew what had been done to her was awful, but she didn't know to call it rape. Like a lot of people, she thought sexual assault meant a stranger in a dark alley, not someone you trust in a place you thought was safe.

Today, Nancy is a critically acclaimed performing artist specializing in performance memoir that finds humor in the hard stuff of life such as grief and loss, body image, disability and sexual violence. Nancy won the 2010 National Story Slam Championship with an excerpt from The Road to Shameless, her one-woman show turning the private pain of being a sexual assault survivor into powerful, transformative public art. This witty, compassionate tale speaks the unspeakable with humor and grace making what might seem too difficult not only bearable but, in the words of one audience member, “an experience of exhilarating liberation.”

The details are here on Facebook- it looks to be an excellent and important show for all genders, and I recommend you check it out!

THE ROAD TO SHAMELESS:
A Survivor's Tale of Sexual Assault and Healing

Written and Performed by Nancy Donoval

7:00 pm - doors open
7:30 pm - performance followed by Q&A

Flat Rate Tickets:
$12 advance / $15 at the door

Sliding Scale Tickets
Pay What You Can Afford $5 - $25 (advance/at door)
No one turned away for lack of funds.

Reserve Your Tickets Now
http://roadtoshameless2011sf.eventbrite.com/

Listen to Nancy’s story slam-winning excerpt of The Road to Shameless on Chicago Public Radio at:
http://www.wbez.org/episode-segments/story-slams-first-ever-national-winner#